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Why Do We Hurt The Ones Closest To Us?

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The million dollar question.

My understanding of hurt is pain; a feeling of discomfort, a place I would not consciously choose.
My understanding of LOVE is joyful, beauty, a feeling of peace and knowing, a place I would choose to live, a place of BLISS.

So why on earth do we inflict this pain and discomfort onto people we LOVE?


If we wouldn’t consciously choose to put ourselves in that space, why do we choose to put the ones we LOVE and care about in the space?

I don’t know the answer, however I do want to explore what the possible answers may be because for as long as I live I will do my very best to make sure I don’t hurt the ones I LOVE as, I too, don’t want to be hurt by the ones I LOVE.

I say ‘answers’ as I truly believe there is more than one answer.

Firstly everyone is different and unique with their own set of values and thought patterns that conduct their behaviour. I truly believe that people only behave in the only way they know how at the time.

We are all on a different journey through, what we understand to be the illusion we call, life.

We are all individual in the way we think and the beliefs we have as a result of the way we absorb all that goes on around us.

Our lives and the world around us are constantly providing experiences for us to learn from.


I believe that pain and discomfort, that accompanies some of those experiences that appear in our lives, is needed for us to learn a lesson in that moment to prepare us for the next experience that comes our way.

When we don’t learn the lesson that we need to grow and evolve, the lesson will appear again under a different disguise in an experience or similar until we learn the lesson.

Our frustration is present and can overwhelm us because we don’t understand this process and the necessity of the learnt lesson, carried forward and shared with others – this is what I understand to be WISDOM!

A very simple example would be: you are walking down the road and trip over a cracked paving slab on the pavement.

You twist your ankle. It causes you pain and discomfort.

The next day you are walking down the same road and trip over the same cracked paving slab on the pavement. You twist the other ankle and also graze your hand. It not only causes you pain and discomfort but you now hurt as a result.

The next day you are walking down the same road, you see the cracked paving slab, you are aware of the pain of tripping over it, you slow down and walk around the cracked paving slab.

The next day you take a different route.

Only because we first tripped over which caused us the pain and discomfort and for it to happen a second time, which hurt even more, were we aware as we saw it possibly happening again, did we choose to take a different route. WHY? Because we learnt the lesson as a result of how we felt.

So why do we all keep making the same mistakes and hurting ourselves and the ones we LOVE?


  • Because we are unaware or choose not to see the pain and discomfort it causes us or others.
  • Because we are unaware or choose not to learn the lesson present to learn.
  • Because we do not have the right tools to equip us in moving forward in a positive direction.
  • Because we haven’t experienced enough pain or discomfort ourselves for it to create a burning desire within us to ignite our passion and willingness to change the course of our lives.
  • Because the timing is not right for us to recognise we are here to make a difference in this world.
  • Because we are punishing ourselves for not being good enough, hurting ourselves for not being lovable.


We hurt others as a way of hurting ourselves and we choose to hurt ourselves as it’s a damn sight easier than it is to L-O-V-E O-U-R-S-E-L-V-E-S!!

My writing began to slow down in the last sentence as I watched myself write every letter of the last few words in S-L-O-W M-O-T-I-O-N.

As I write I am aware I have known this all along but not sure I ever truly made the connection.

As I write I am aware that we can use all the excuses under the sun, blame whoever and whatever for the reason why, we can find fault with everything outside of ourselves.

There is only one reason why we hurt the ones we LOVE the most, one reason we keep choosing to cause pain and discomfort for the ones we LOVE the most, one reason can also be replaced with one answer.

I believe the one answer is TO LOVE OURSELVES, first and unconditionally.

  • LOVE is the bridge,
  • LOVE is the answer,
  • LOVE conquers all and
  • LOVE is the way.

“In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel” Paulo Coelho ~ Eleven Minutes

Vanessa Louise Moore

Vanessa Louise Moore

Transformational Mentor and Speaker


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